Written by Denise Koek
I’ve finally arrived at that awkward late-fall moment where I step into the bathroom to brush my teeth and I have no idea whether it’s pitch black because it’s 6 a.m. or 10 p.m. The days are short and cold, the clouds are fat, and the only things preventing me from succumbing to seasonal despair are Black Friday and Cyber Monday.
Here’s what I love about these bargain-centric Hunger Games:
1. It’s okay to be shallow. Each year, while waddling our over-stuffed stomachs to the nearest department store, we tacitly acknowledge that, despite our monetary success and personal happiness, we’ll never be “one of the cool kids” until we have that. What’s that this year? Personally, I’m craving a Sony Xperia® Tablet Z. It won’t add bulk to that saddlebag I call a purse, because it’s only 1/3 of an inch thick. And since it’s water resistant, I can fulfill my dream of sipping champagne in a candle-lit bubble bath, while playing Candy Crush.
2. You don’t have to dress up. Why don formalwear to sit in a parking lot at 2 a.m.? You can double-down that sentiment for Cyber Monday: Why bother to look even vaguely homo-sapien when you’re super-glued to a computer monitor for 12 hours?
3. You find your inner gladiator. It’s the only time of the year where it’s socially acceptable for even the most mild-mannered souls to stalk their merchandise with the ruthless intensity they usually reserve for generating actuarial tables.
4. It's swoon-inducing. The unadulterated adoration you experience for the many products you desire allows you to express your romantic side. While sitting in the frigid night air, waiting for your favorite store to open, jot down all the adoring adjectives you’d use to describe your dream purchase. Then, take that list home and pretend that your loved one’s beautiful qualities inspired you to compose it.
5. It does your body and mind good. On Black Friday, it’s easy to work off your 3,000-calorie dinner by ninja-kicking your way through the crowds. Conversely, the 100 percent sedentary nature of Cyber Monday allows you to achieve a calm, meditative Zen state that will be the envy of every yogi on your block.
Now please excuse me—to facilitate my own mind and body health bliss, I’m going to go visualize that Xperia® Tablet Z, because it is skinny and powerful and that’s what I aspire to be…
Though, probably not ‘til after the holidays.