Wisdom from the Beach Moms

Forty years of digging my toes into the sand of Manasquan beach has left its mark. The first two decades were spent at the south end, soaking up my mother's wisdom, especially when it came to family.

The second two decades have been spent mostly at the north end hashing out problems with my friends. Our weekly beach date used to include a gaggle of kids and boogie boards, and with them, frequent interruptions. Now it may include an occasional grandchild, but usually it's just a small group of middle aged women.

Our conversation today included a discussion about whether or not to tell a relative who's in rehab that his girlfriend has died of an overdose, the care options for a 38-year-old relative who had a massive stroke, concern about an elderly mother who was rushed to the hospital this morning, my Overnight Walk with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and issues of sexuality and gender, including hermaphroditism, homosexuality, and Wienergate. 

We're clearly not talking diapers and sippy cups anymore. So I asked my friends, all of whom currently hold or have held leadership positions in various churches and para-church ministries, what wisdom they would share with young mothers whose eyes still dart about at the beach until they know their little ones are safe.

A mother of three sons said parents need to stay involved in their kids lives.

"Don't let up. Don't leave them alone and assume they'll make good choices. Be authentic. Live what you say you believe," she said.

Another mother concurred with the authenticity advice. Asking for forgiveness when you've sinned against your child, even if they're five years old, is what it means to be real, said this mother.

It took an older women to help her see that she was being too hard on her only child. "I realized that I was looking at her through the lens of what books said she should be, but every child is different," she said, and hers needed a lighter hand.

The lesson is that parents should be students of their children, because they're all different.

Two moms expressed frustration with the leniency of parents raising children today. One said kids need responsibility and free time rather than indulgence and overloaded schedules.  The other lamented the cost of school based extra-curricular activities that can run into the hundreds of dollars for participants. 

Both women are grandmothers. One said her daughter and son-in-law are already training their toddler to help pick up her toys.  The other concurred that instilling discipline early helps children become responsible adults.

"If kids mess up, don't blame the parents. Address the child's behavior. Don't allow them to get away with things," said this mother of three and grandmother of five.

All four women agreed that parents should present a united front to children. If a child is allowed to disrespect one parent in front of the other, it undermines their authority, they said. They also agreed that computers and televisions in children's bedrooms are a bad idea and dinner together on a regular basis is a good one.

I asked if these ideals are viable for families dealing with special needs like mental illness and developmental delays. Two had experience with these issues and said it's exhausting and tough, but consistency helps.

"Still expect the best. Remain hopeful," one suggested.

An issue only one woman had dealt with (because our children were mostly grown when the challenge emerged) is the dangers of social media and texting. One friend had heard of a mother of five collecting cell phones at dinner every night. The habit allowed her to intercept a sext and address the violation with the sender's parents. We all liked this idea.

As the discussion wound down, someone asked what I would tell young mothers. As the only woman in the group who had lost a child, I said: "Take it easy on them and love them, because you don't know how long you'll have them."

If you've finished raising children, what would you advice young parents if you could?